Creation is Momentum

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

It's been nearly a  month since I last posted, but I can't tell you how many times I started to write, typed a few lines, felt inexplicably defeated and walked away. I've been struggling with the changes in the blogging world -- good changes, for the record. There are higher standards for survival, a professional integrity that perhaps wasn't there before, at least not as prevalent as it is now. But these incredible changes left me tired. Blogging started to feel like work -- work I was barely getting paid for and that I couldn't give my undivided attention to.

I stopped living in the moment -- styling and re-styling my real life until it was blog-worthy. I could spend a perfect day with friends, see something inspiring, and beat myself up all night for leaving my camera at home. Sorting through thousands of tweets and posts felt like required reading. And the constant stream of inspiration of Pinterest made me question my blog's value.

It felt like all of the air was sucked out of the room, and there was nothing left for me to say.

A few weeks into my hiatus I thought--"this is ok--you committed to this project, day in and day out for almost four years. Your personal life and career are infinitely more demanding today than they were at 23. Now you'll actually have time for all of the things you wanted to do better, but couldn't make room for."

It sounded great. Except that I didn't. I didn't do any of that. Quitting blogging didn't inspire me to cook more meals from scratch, spend more time on personal relationships, or kick up my yoga routine. In fact, all of those things suffered! Without my blog, I rarely reflected on things. I obsessed over things that are out of my control, because my failure to live up to my own standards made me FEEL out of control. I stopped looking for the beautiful things in life, because there was no joy in them without people to share with.

If there's one thing I learned from my hiatus, it's that, for me, creation is momentum. If I'm not taking time each day to think, to create something, to actively engage with my passions, then everything else suffers.

So now, I'm challenged to find the right balance for me--between letting the world in, and shutting it out. But, I think I'll take a cue from these dahlias I picked up at the market on Sunday. Recognizing that sometimes it's ok to be a tightly wound green bud, but really, it's so much prettier to be in full bloom.

Image my own (Jenn Lore)


Donna L. said...

Welcome back, Jenn! You were missed.

Sanity Fair said...

Glad you're back! I took an (unannounced) hiatus for a while too, because of the same frustrations you share. But I missed blogging, especially after I finished most of the decorating for my apartment, and found myself without a creative outlet. I enjoy your blog so much, so I hope you'll find time to keep going!